I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the condom got lost in my hair
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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