I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
