why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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