Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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