so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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