she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
