i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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