every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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