i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
