This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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