I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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