I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
