I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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