so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
