THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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