We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
