I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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