TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
