i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I can text with my tongue
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
