3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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