you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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