Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
