I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
