Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
