Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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