Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
