why didn't you poke me back
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
