I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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