when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We have started to decorate penises.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
