just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
