I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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