my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
