guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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