I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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