I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
