i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
