dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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