First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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