I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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