Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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