my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
