I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
