Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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