last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
