Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
