i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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