I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
