The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
