There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
