Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
