Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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