I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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