high people should be assigned attendants
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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