she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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