Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
