I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
